How Not to Date Someone

Having come out of a year-and-a-half relationship that didn't end so well I think I am in a position to offer some advice about how not to go about dating someone.


1. Don't date someone at work - there are others to add to this list, climbing and dance partners (unless marriage is guaranteed...), people you can't avoid and relatives. If you have to ask about that last one, you need more help than a list on some idiot's blog can give.

2. Don't move in with them. Really, don't. In fact don't move in with them before you go on your first date with them, sealing you into a relationship that is now physically as well as emotionally difficult to extricate yourself from.

3. Once you have moved in with them, do not under any circumstances express that since you work together you should make that part of some kind of poorly thought out business plan. This will probably seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me it's not. You're already going to be having enough trouble establishing roles for yourself in your personal life at this point and arguing about the utility bill, adding more roles and more types of money arguments is really more masochistic than anything.

4. Once you're working together, don't let your frusterations bubble over into your personal life. Don't bring up work-related flaws in the person's work around their family during holidays under the guise of "just trying to understand more about how it was to raise them." It's transparent and tacky.

5. Once you've started getting personal, don't let your squabbles occur at the workplace. Your customers and clients don't need to know what so-and-so does wrong with making an attempt at the dishes that you're both too tired to do, or how they overuse oregano when making lasagna.

6. At this point I should mention a big one. Don't get them pregnant. Really, don't do it. Chances are good that the person you think, "ahh maybe we'll break up after awhile, but for now it's kind of nice..." is the one with the bundle of joy on the way, not the one you had passionate sex for three weeks below decks on a sailing trip in Greece despite running out of birthcontrol early on and not figuring out Greek for, "condoms."
There are only two explainations for this that I can think of: A) if we had kids with those who were best for us in the long run we would become so powerful that eventually we would grow proud and try to take on the gods themselves, and B) God has a really, really good sense of humor. But you know, in the dry, cruel sense.

7. When you do break up, don't keep living with them. Especially if you are the dumper. It's just mean. Also, they may think (perhaps accurately) that they can keep you with the promise of sex. If it works, it will only prolong the inevitable and make the ensuing breakup all the more nasty.

8. When you are dating someone, do not stop doing the things with your friends you would normally do. I mean, yes your DM is less likely to give you an oralgasm (nice word huh?), but you don't want to be that person. The one who stops hanging or working out with everyone just because you are seeing someone and then to have to come back with a bunch of war stories and a hang-dog expression when they rightfully and mercilessly make fun of you for having been whipped and blowing them off for a year.

9. Do not get a pet with them. if you do, make sure that one of you pays for everything, including the cost of the pet, so that when the breakup does occur, no custody battle over the mangy creature ensues. Although, provision should be made if the animal bonds more strongly with the other person because A) the one who bought them is too busy for an animal and gives them less attention, B) the puchaser is a douche or C) the non-purchaser can make it seem like case A by being smart enough to carry bacon bits in their pockets. (Note: please don't really carry bacon bits in your pockets. It's gross)

10. When you are finally free, don't continue to do any of the following things with them: Live, sleep, Work or Hang out. Although the last one can start to happen when you have each moved on through at least one other person. This prevents the incredible reforming couple from occurring, which is especially deserving of ridicule if combined with any of the other aforementioned relationship pitfalls.

11. Date someone with a radically different worldview. Opposites attract, but similars stay together. If they have too different a philosophy, religion, upbringing than yourself this is likely to serve as grounds for more arguments and fights. This is especially true of Sex, Religion and MONEY.

12. Date someone with an IQ more than one standard derivation greater or less than you. You'll end up going bald either from scratching your head trying to understand what they just said or because you constantly have to repeat yourself using smaller words and slower, clearer pronunciation each time until you tear out chunks of your own hair. If you do decide to do this, please take my advice and buy stock in pharmaceutical companies. They're going to make a lot of money off of you in the near future and you may as well get in on the action.

13. Date someone too much better or worse looking than yourself. This leads to insecurity, insecurity to anger, anger to macho or bitchy behavior, and the path to the dark side that is.

Avoiding these traps should help make it less likely that you'll do something stupid while dating someone. I'm sure being human you'll all come up with your own, but this is my list based on the lessons I've garnered from my most recent dating experience.